Confidential sources tell us that, following the blazing success of Piers Morgan, British import Norman Lebrecht will be joining Fox News. The British novelist, blogger, and Google Alert adept will host a weeknight talk show entitled “Norman Baits.”
“Lebrecht will bring a fine appreciation of fine culture to our viewers,” said Fox News chief Roger Ailes. “He just told me about this Mahler guy! I’m having all our shows open with different sections of the Symphony No. 5 starting next week!”
Lebrecht’s show will consist of several regular features, among them “Classical Music Death Watch [People],” “Classical Music Death Watch [Institutions],” “Nazi Watch,” and “Totally Not Disingenuous Segments About Hot Women (Not) in the Wiener Philharmoniker.”
The second half of the program will consist of interviews with a guest panel. Planned guests include Jackie Evancho, Heather MacDonald, Alexander Pereira, Rufus Wainwright, Lorin Maazel, Alan Gordon, and lots of people from Opera-L. While many of these guests will be new faces for Fox News audiences, we are assured that they will make for a fresh and lively debate.
One roadblock has already been surmounted: Lebrecht’s chosen genre of classical has tested poorly with audiences. Thus all musical examples will be replaced by covers of the same repertoire performed by Kid Rock. This will also increase Kid Rock’s audience by 1000%, a goal which has apparently been on the Fox News agenda for some time.
The set of Lebrecht’s show will reportedly resemble a large study. It will be full of LPs (“but not new ones”), books (rumor has it that many copies of his book Maestros, Mysteries, and Madness languish unsold due to legal action), cigars, and his priceless collection of great conductors’ spitoons.
Reports that Lebrecht’s show has been underwritten by the Koch brothers could not be confirmed at press time.